Why Do People Have Children?

I have a few single friends left, but not too many.

One single friend of mine is always complaining about children, animals and plants. She says that she likes to shirk all areas of responsibility. Whenever we are in malls, restaurants and pretty much anywhere public, she will turn to me and say "why would people willingly have kids? I don’t understand.”

She asked me to write this entry so here goes:

WHY DO PEOPLE HAVE CHILDREN?

I did an email poll whereby I asked some of my friends as to why they have kids. I asked them to be completely honest. Thank you to all of those who participated.

Here is what they said:

• Family has always been very important to them and they wanted to carry this tradition on

• Gave them a sense of self

• So they can take care of them when they are elderly

• To enjoy and experience being pregnant and giving birth

• To celebrate the relationship between husband and wife

• It’s just what is expected – no real thought was put into it

• It’s a logical consequence of having unprotected sex (said sarcastically of course)

• To continue the family name for the next generation or two

• They truly loved kids and always knew they wanted their own

Some excerpts are below:

I really enjoyed being around kids. I loved their honesty, their silliness and their need to learn. I really enjoy teaching my kids and playing with them. I think they remind us of the good in the world. Now I also must say I don't think anyone really knows what they are getting into when they have children. It’s really tough sometimes, however somehow the good stuff is really good and makes up for the bad stuff.

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Before having my first, I can honestly say I didn't spend much time thinking about having kids. Other people's kids were sometimes cute, sometimes funny, sometimes a total pain in the ass. Being around other people's kids never made me want to have one of my own. Perhaps that's because I was relatively young, I never felt particularly "maternal".

I've heard all the arguments against having kids: people love their independence, love their time alone, they love to travel, spend their money on things for themselves, they don't want the responsibility, they don't really love kids. And seriously, the last thing the world needs is more parents who aren't really "into" parenting. I would never ever talk someone into having a kid.

That said, having a baby is absolutely the best thing that has ever happened to me. The thing that I loved most about having a baby was that it took the pressure off of me to have to focus completely on myself. I love that my life revolves around the care and keeping of someone else. I know that sounds contradictory, but having kids gave me my sense of "self". People think that having kids is a selfless thing, but for me it's totally selfish. It's given me the opportunity to clear away all the bullshit and just see what really matters. Yes, there are frustrating times, and it's a challenge every day. But I can truly say that my life would be a huge gaping void without them.

Lastly, the only time in my life that I have ever felt completely at peace is when I was holding one of my sleeping babies - knowing that I was able to calm them and comfort them to sleep. I don't care what you do - where you go - who you know - ever in your LIFE. There's no feeling in the universe like that, it's my nirvana.

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I wanted to create a baby with someone that I loved more than anyone – to see what our love could create – to experience the joy (and pain) of giving birth – to feel what it is like to have a life growing inside you – to become a “family” of my own: I was so excited to experience the world – through the eyes of an innocent child...where even the smallest things we take for granted, are fascinating....(In my mind, I’m hearing my youngest scream at me to look at the big truck, or the airplane – or the white fluffy things floating in the wind...) – to start new family traditions, and to continue old ones - to watch them grow, to see what they will become. To see what personality & physical traits they share of mine – to have someone else to love unconditionally – to have someone to take care of & love, to one day have grandchildren of our own (I hope!) that we can spoil & love – and pass back to their parents when we’re tired! That will be fun!!!!

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Always thought it would be one of the most rewarding things I  would
ever do...and it is.

OR..

THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT:

Quite honestly, I don’t understand people that have no desire to have children. I don’t think any less of people that feel that way – I just can’t understand how they don’t feel what I do.

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So, people who choose not to have kids. I know many more people who have had this choice made for them, that is, wanted them and couldn't have them. I can't imagine how heartbreaking that is. But that's not what you're asking...

Okay, I actually wrote a big loooong boring story about these friends of ours, close friends - mind you - who have decided not to have kids. I started typing this whole essay about them, and I was trying to figure out what my point is. Then I deleted it all because it all boils down to this: I feel sorry for people who decide not to have kids because they do not know what they are missing. Having children brings a joy to your life that you could never understand until you have one. You can hold a hundred babies, but until you hold your own, you just will not ever understand it. Yes it's challenging, but when is the last time something that was "easy" brought you joy. And don't say "hey winning the lottery would give me joy!!" That's not joy, that's fleeting happiness. Happiness comes and goes, joy is what you carry in your heart. And having a baby opens up a part of your heart that you don't even know is there.

So anyway, this couple we know? They have a lot of money and they now live in New York. Designer clothes, Rolexes, diamonds, exotic vacations all the time. Certainly an enviable lifestyle by anyone's standards. But I look at her, and I just think: how lonely. All her beautiful things are just things. Do I envy her Cartier watch? Damn straight. But she doesn't have Clara.*

* names have been changed to protect the anonymity of this commenter


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If people choose not to have kids because of environmental reasons, inheritable diseases, being single, etc. I have great respect for that. What I don't get is when people get married and choose not to have kids. I just think...Why get married??? Call me old-fashioned but I believe the whole purpose of getting married is to legitimize your offspring. You can co-habitate and decide not to have children but then why bother to get married?
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Depends on the day :) When the kids are crazy I totally envy them. Seriously though I take it as a decision based on career, personal freedom or love of control and order in their lives. However I often think that people who decide not to have kids tend to focus on all the bad stuff (that being a parent entails). Just as you can't possible prepare yourself for how tough it can be to raise kids, on the flip side you can't prepare yourself for the amount of love.


I am happy to have presented both sides of the argument.

I don't think that this is going to persuade this friend to have kids, but I think it may help her understand why others think differently than she does.

As well, I think I had to remove umpteen incidences in these emails that had the following in brackets: (this is going to sound gay) or (this sounds totally cheesy).

Don't feel embarrassed to feel what you do. After all, we're all God's children and we are a beautiful gift to the world (ok, that was just gay).