Over the last few months I have been taking note of every time I roll my eyes in a movie. This happens A LOT.
The following are overly, overly predictable things I have noticed:
Someone hears a noise so they decide to investigate. Upon said investigation, they always open a door, or a closet, or whatever. Inevitably a cat squeels and jumps out at them, and the audience has to change their panties. It's alllllllllllllllllways a cat. I mean, can't they switch it up a bit and make it a ferret or a squirrel or some shit like that?
Whenever a yuppyish type of person is being depicted, they are always driving a Jeep Wagoneer with wood paneling. This vehicle is always in mint condition. I mean, I have NEVER known anyone to drive one of these. I don't think I ever will. Yet, they show up in movies ALL THE TIME. I have to admit though..... that I kind of like them - surprise, I know. If you've never noticed this, you will now.There is a misunderstanding, usually of the romantic type. Two people want to tell each other how they are feeling. Of course, one of them says "you first". The other says okay, and lets them know what they are feeling, which usually has to do with someone else. That person now says "so what were you going to say?" and the other person now says "Nothing. It's not important."
*snore*
We are in the year 2009 and I have never come across paper bags in a grocery store in about 10 years.Easily.
Yet, for some stupid reason, every person in every movie
walks home with a paper bag of groceries....
When someone is FREAKING out in a horror movie, and they are running backward or forward, they inevitably end up literally running into their husband or cop that's looking for them in that same abandoned warehouse. They scream, thinking it's a monster or killer. This person says: "Hey, it's me. It's going to be okay."
*drole*
People always seem to have really personal conversations in public restrooms. Once all of the juice is revealed, a toilet flushes and the person walks out of the stall that they are talking about. They never think to check to see if anyone else is in there. Never. Nor do they hear peeing or pooing noises to tip them off.
Someone is inevitably going to be left at the alter if it is a movie about relationships. Once they are left at the alter, someone else enters into a diatribe about how much they love them and marries them on the spot. While all of this is going on, the congregation is completely silent. Like that would ever happen. A mother or sister would be yelling "Have you lost your fucking mind?!?!!?"
Whenever you see someone writing something, their handwriting is always beautiful. Even if it's a guy (and we know that isn't a common characteristic for them).
Here is why I like b-movies, or Canadian movies:
They are real characters, talking about real stuff. You see them eating. You see them peeing in the bathroom. You see them flossing their teeth and shoveling their driveways. It's the closest to real life that you will get.
Actually, last night I was watching the world's WORST series finale for any show (The L Word) and at one point, it showed a character laying on her bed, talking on the phone to a friend. In mid conversation, she looked at her foot - had a puzzled look on her face and then picked her toe. Although gross, I thought that was one of the most natural scenes I have ever seen on television.
In conclusion, I realize that a lot of people go to the movies to escape their stressful lives, and to get lost in the story. Some days I feel like that, and end up watching a comedy. Comedies are designed to be stupid. You don't ever really think that anything is real in a comedy.
This whole post was due to a BRUTAL movie I watched on digital the other day called "One Missed Call." Honestly, it had every single bad movie cliche in it. Was completely terrible. Why did I keep watching it, you ask?
EDWARD BURNS! HELLOOOO!!!!!
I still don't know what Kristy Turlington has that I don't. I mean, other than a beautiful face and kick-ass body.
Fucking models.
5 comments:
Totally just commented on an old blog post of yours because you linked to it in Twitter. Stop confusing me!
Lord, what the hell happened to Ed Burns?!? He did one good movie 15 years ago and his career has been spiralling down the crapper ever since.
Please clarify what you mean by a "b-movie". When I hear that term I think of this: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/B_movie. In that context, cats jumping out of closets is probably to be expected.
Also, I'm pretty sure there's still an option for paper or plastic bags at most grocery stores in the US and at Whole Foods everywhere.
Someone else mentioned that paper bag theory to me as well. I've never really noticed it in the US. I was just going by having worked in a supermarket for 12 years starting in the 80s. We got rid of the paper in about 92. I'll take a look next time; I am curious.
B-movie...good call. I've always though that meant a movie not on the "a" list. You know, not a Hollywood blockbuster, but something that is more artsy. Artsy isn't even the term I am going for. Maybe soon I will find a term to explain the type of movies I like.
For example, I want to see "Sunshine Cleaning" this week. What kind of a movie would that be?
MM
I think the generally accepted term for the type of film to which you're referring is "indie/independent" even though most people recognze the fact that a true independent production is quite rare.
BTW how was Sunshine Cleaning?
Hey!
1: My mother had a Jeep Wagoneer with wood paneling when she was selling country real estate...
2. I can totally relate to your paper bag comment... when I moved to Pennsylvania in 1998 the check out lady at the grocery store said "Paper or Plastic"...now, it didn't come out like that... I heard it as "PaprorplAstic" (long 'a' all one word). I had no clue what she was saying..so I stared at her blankly as she repeated it a couple more times. Finally I realized what she was saying... she must have thought I was from another planet (or deaf), because they ask EVERYBODY that at the checkout there.
The other thing that drove me mad in PA, was the use of cheques ('checks' if you're American)... I felt like I was being zapped back in time everytime the person in front of me pulled out their cheque book and took a zillion years to fill it out etc.
They had a drive through bank there, that had one teller in a booth, 6 lanes & those tubular things that get sucked up like a vacuum to the teller while you wait in your car.
:)
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