I Seem to Have Lost My Self Esteem. Have You Found It?

I am done with my present job.

I haven't really expressed this to many people over the last year and a half, but I think it's time I vented. I try to put on a smiley face when people ask me about my job. My job has some really good aspects. 7 hour days. Flexibility. Monthly contributions to my RRSP. Benefits. 5 weeks vacation. I believe in the organization's focus and support what they are trying to achieve. I constantly try to convince myself that I need to stay there. Most of the people I work with are great.

There are two problems.

One is the workload. The workload for my position (Office Administrator) is unbelievable. I have never had to deal with a load this large. Because there is so much to do, I find it difficult to get through it all. I have constantly changing priorities and I struggle with having it all done for all of the people that need it, yesterday.

The second, and biggest problem, is my boss. I'm going to attempt to stay neutral about my feelings about him...which will be hard. Words I would use to describe him are:

Unsupportive
Unhelpful
Micromanaging
Inflexible
Controlling
Distrustful
Inconsistent
Conservative
Moody
The cheapest man I have ever met

The worst trait he has, in my opinion, is that he is very similar to an abusive husband. I have been receiving mixed messages since I started there. I am a great worker. I lack focus. I am wonderful with my attention to detail. I lack attention to detail. I am friendly and easy going. I am not friendly. I am doing a great job. I am not doing a great job.

The woman that I replaced in this position retired after being at the organization for 24 years. He compares me to her all the time. She was able to keep up with the work. She was wonder woman. Then I find out that she had an assistant, and hired temps every so often. Of course he wouldn't tell me this part, as he covets/protects the organization's budget as though it was the friggin' Caramilk secret. I actually heard through the grapevine that this lady said she wouldn't have been able to work much longer for him. She worked for him for a year before she retired (early).

I recently looked up abusive relationships and this is what I found:
(I have bolded all that apply to our working relationship)

Your situation is critical if the following applies to you:

You express your opinions less and less freely.  
You find yourself walking on eggshells, careful of when and how to say something.  
You long for that softer, more vulnerable part of your
partner to emerge.
You find yourself making excuses for your partner's behavior.
You feel emotionally unsafe. 
You feel its somehow not OK to talk with others about
your relationship.
You hope things will change...especially through your
love and understanding.
You find yourself doubting your memory or sense of reality. 

You doubt your own judgment. 

You doubt your abilities. 

You feel vulnerable and insecure. 

You are becoming increasingly depressed.  

You feel increasingly trapped and powerless. 

You have been or are afraid of your partner.
Your partner has physically hurt you, even once.

I have been at this organization for a year and a half and I have tried my hardest. When I hear over and over that it's great, and then that it's not good enough, I can't handle the uncertainty. I don't think I am stupid (although he has made me question this several times) and it frustrates me that he can't see how much I have to offer or that I am an asset to the company. I am constantly told what I didn't do right. Never the 999 things that went off without a hitch.

I'm pissed that he has made me question my intelligence. I am pissed that he has made me feel as though my self worth is low. I am pissed that although the job is okay, that it is solely HIM that is making me look elsewhere. He tries to look good in front of the executive, and then goes back to his true character once they leave. I have had other staff members in tears in my office because of things he has done to them. I feel sorry for this man's wife and for his two kids.

It's taken me a long time to get to this place, as I don't want to be a quitter, but to save my self worth and my peace of mind, I need to find something more fulfilling and a workplace that will appreciate my strengths. I can't handle the feeling of walking into an office each day where you don't know if there will be flowers on your desk or whether you will be standing in front of a firing squad.

The worst part of the whole thing is that I get paid SHIT money to take all of this. I would rather drive a bus, pick up garbage, or cut lawns than deal with the crap I deal with at work. At least I wouldn't be going in on weekends to catch up, taking work home, and stressing about what I haven't had time to do. Go to work, go home. That's what I want. Not defining myself by what I do. Just working a simple job, where I excel, and going home to define myself by how I live my life and through the wonderful people I have around me.

So here I go again, cramming yet another job into my resume. After looking online, I have noticed that many jobs pay at least 7-10 thousand dollars than I make, to do less. What the hell was I thinking?

One good thing came out of this job. It gave me the opportunity to come back to Toronto, where my family and friends are.

That's me. Silver lining.